Unfortunatly what frequenly happens as of late, what with my bizarre circadian rhythm, is I buy things at 02:34 on Wednesday morning and then completely forget about it on the drive or train journey home. Come Friday morning a couple packages appear from Tim, my friendly local postie and it's like Christmas! 80% of the time I have absolutely no clue what could be in them. Yesterday I hurridly opened some brown paper and bubble wrap to discover a Laser poiner/torch, a pair of Heelys and a childrens book called Not yet, Yvette. The book and the Laser pointer I can almost justify, but Heelys? I'm 29 years old dang it!
The Heelys are absolutely hilarious however, mainly because no-one would ever suspect you are wearing them at that age. I find it particularly amusing to stand in the local Wine Rack and discuss the finer points of of the Campo Viejo 1995 Gran Reserve Rioja and why that year was particularly good. Or reminisce about the bottle of Eileen Hardy Shiraz you once had and gave to a friend for a 21st birthday present (William Tyroll if you're reading this, i hope you savoured it). As soon as the person isn't looking I will 'Heel off' at speed across the newly polished floor to the Australian whites section. Needless to say i suggest you get yourself some.
Laser pointers, as any 14 year old will tell you are the ultimate evolution of the R/C car. What do they have in common i hear you ask. Simple, they both extend your sphere of influence. Anybody who can affect his environment, even in subtle ways, without touching something physical automatically gets you noticed. Loud people get noticed, they are also bloody annoying. Especially if they are particularly stupid and have limited grasp of cause and effect. Because they compound their idiocy into a package that cannot be baulked. If you attempt to restrain or advise against their obviously flawed beaviour their brains can't process the information quickly enough. So they just shout at you instead, i'm sure you all know at least one oaf that fit similar criteria. Anyway, I digress. Laser pointers are a simple way to expand you sphere of influence but are always better if used covertly. Don't go and shine it in someone's eyes, even if the label says 1mw. Shops, businesses (office meetings especially if you're not in them), apartment windows at night and cats are all fair game. Cats are particularly hilarious. Those crazy critters will chase the 'elusive red dot' for ages or at least until they tire or run into something. (RSPCA note: I don't condone this behaviour but would draw you're attention to this). It's also great for entertaining your drunken bloke house guests and excercising your feline if said cat has eaten 'other cats' dinner.
As for 'Not yet Yvette'
It was bought as a joke present for Babestations finest (IMO) Yvette. The leggy half american honey for the aforementioned television show, to be found in the 900's of the Sky platform and also can be found in a different format as Party Girls on Freeview (Channel 46). While having the 'gift of the gab' Yvette is also a bloody good laugh and a amazing television presenter, but is at the moment tragically confined to the more 'sordid' angle on televisual fame. The lifestyle we all lead is quite extraordinary and most absurdly bizarre. Stories the likes of which you will have to go to the ends of your imagination to believe, but all of which are true.Now you know what I do, I shall hope to see some of you texting the show and with luck, if I am working that night i will get you one heck of a shout out.
Some of the exploits of cast and crew will be appearing in this blog, but for now dear reader, you will have to be patient and wait for a future installment...
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